August 28, 2020
St. Augustine of Hippo
Dear Family of Mary!
“…Little children, you do not have a future or peace until your life begins with a personal conversion and a change to the good. Evil will cease and peace will begin to reign in your hearts and in the world…” (August 25, 2020)
Today is the Memorial of St. Augustine, the great Father of the Church. He lived from 354 to 430 AD. He had no belief in Christ as a young man and his lifestyle greatly wounded his Christian mother. But she never stopped praying for his conversion. And in 386 he had a huge conversion! He wrote brilliantly about his conversion in his Confessions, a foundational classic for Christians. I often think of St. Augustine when Our Lady brings up conversion. He is such a powerful example of personal conversion. So here is what he wrote about his conversion moment, a moment he had fought off for a long time! What a powerful witness he is for us. May we always seek deeper conversion and ask St. Augustine to help us:
St. Augustine’s Conversion Moment—excerpt from Confessions, Chapter 12 (trans. Albert C. Outler; text from Christian Classics Ethereal Library)
Now when deep reflection had drawn up out of the secret depths of my soul all my misery and had heaped it up before the sight of my heart, there arose a mighty storm, accompanied by a mighty rain of tears. That I might give way fully to my tears and lamentations, I stole away from Alypius, for it seemed to me that solitude was more appropriate for the business of weeping. I went far enough away that I could feel that even his presence was no restraint upon me. This was the way I felt at the time, and he realized it. I suppose I had said something before I started up and he noticed that the sound of my voice was choked with weeping. And so, he stayed alone, where we had been sitting together, greatly astonished.
I flung myself down under a fig tree–how I know not–and gave free course to my tears. The streams of my eyes gushed out an acceptable sacrifice to thee. And, not indeed in these words, but to this effect, I cried to thee: “And thou, O Lord, how long? How long, O Lord? Wilt thou be angry forever? Oh, remember not against us our former iniquities.” For I felt that I was still enthralled by them.
I sent up these sorrowful cries: “How long. How long? Tomorrow and tomorrow? Why not now? Why not this very hour make an end to my uncleanness?” I was saying these things and weeping in the most bitter contrition of my heart, when suddenly I heard the voice of a boy or a girl I know not which–coming from the neighboring house, chanting over and over again, “Pick it up, read it; pick it up, read it.” Immediately I ceased weeping and began most earnestly to think whether it was usual for children in some kind of game to sing such a song, but I could not remember ever having heard the like. So, damming the torrent of my tears, I got to my feet, for I could not but think that this was a divine command to open the Bible and read the first passage I should light upon. For I had heard how Anthony, accidentally coming into church while the gospel was being read, received the admonition as if what was read had been addressed to him: “Go and sell what you have and give it to the poor, and you shall have treasure in heaven; and come and follow me.”
By such an oracle he was forthwith converted to thee. So, I quickly returned to the bench where Alypius was sitting, for there I had put down the apostle’s book when I had left there. I snatched it up, opened it, and in silence read the paragraph on which my eyes first fell: “Not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying, but put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh to fulfill the lusts thereof.” I wanted to read no further, nor did I need to. For instantly, as the sentence ended, there was infused in my heart something like the light of full certainty and all the gloom of doubt vanished away.
Closing the book, then, and putting my finger or something else for a mark I began–now with a tranquil countenance–to tell it all to Alypius. And he in turn disclosed to me what had been going on in himself, of which I knew nothing. He asked to see what I had read. I showed him, and he looked on even further than I had read. I had not known what followed. But indeed, it was this, “Him that is weak in the faith, receive.” This he applied to himself and told me so. By these words of warning he was strengthened, and by exercising his good resolution and purpose–all very much in keeping with his character, in which, in these respects, he was always far different from and better than I–he joined me in full commitment without any restless hesitation.
Then we went into my mother, and told her what happened, to her great joy. We explained to her how it had occurred–and she leaped for joy triumphant; and she blessed thee, who art “able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think.” For she saw that thou hadst granted her far more than she had ever asked for in all her pitiful and doleful lamentations. For thou didst so convert me to thee that I sought neither a wife nor any other of this world’s hopes but set my feet on that rule of faith which so many years before thou hadst showed her in her dream about me. And so, thou didst turn her grief into gladness more plentiful than she had ventured to desire, and dearer and purer than the desire she used to cherish of having grandchildren of my flesh. (St. Augustine’s Confessions)
I love the way St Augustine describes that moment when he realized his great depravity and saw his soul in relation to the truth. This moment is so necessary if we are to convert. We have to understand the mess of things we make of our lives when we live without God. Then conversion is possible.
Our Lady is with us to help us to convert, to see our lives in the light of truth and to be given the grace of repentance and conversion. It is the best moment in our lives!
In Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
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